Thought I would give an update as I am not blogging as much as I am not reading as I would like.
Grief is a hard process that I honestly didn't understand before. I guess I was naive to think that because mum had been in the nursing home almost 4 years and the fact I had been a carer basically for around 15 years I thought it would be easier as she would no longer be suffering and it would be a relief. Well I was so wrong. Yes she is no longer suffering and I am really happy for that. Mum is where she wants to be in heaven with Jesus and reunited with dad. She has wanted to go home for about 6 or 7 years or more well before she went to the nursing home. I do not miss that mum, that mum was very self centred and at times hurtful in what she would say to me. More than one time I would go out and chop wood to get rid of some of the hurt and frustration. That wasn't the mum I grew up with but I know as some people age and there world becomes smaller they become self centred.
I remember times going to visit another lady who lived close by when things got tough often with the pretext I will just take this up to Joan and then we would chat and it felt so good. Its sad both Mum and Joan have passed away this year and I miss them both. What I am missing is the mum of years ago who use to cook and leave me some dough to eat as she knew how much I loved it, the one who made treats just for me like at Easter when she made her buns would make one round with no spice at all on them just so I would have some to enjoy. The mum who left a couple of cherries in the pack for me or the can of condensed milk to clean out. The little things that let you know you are special.
I have never been one who likes to be hugged, occasionally its ok but I really don't feel comfortable with a lot of hugs. I have found people need to hug at this time. Even when I have said please don't hug me I really don't like it they ignore me and make comments like oh you will let me, or you really do need one. (NO I don't). Many of these people are people I know but are not close friends they are people I chat to when shopping etc but are not people I would ring up or visit. I am told its cos they are not sure what to do or say. A few have patted me on an arm and I can handle that much better. Now for the heading Are you ok? I am doing ok. NO how are you really? This is one thing that can sometimes almost tip me over the edge. I have found that if I don't want to talk I will say I am ok and leave it at that some times so so or hanging in there. I say this often as I really haven't the energy to go though how I am feeling over and over. The How are you really is the one that is hardest. I know the person saying it cares and I do feel for them when I don't want to talk but have also realised I have said this and will now be way more sensitive in future.
Grief is interesting the slightest thing will bring tears to my eyes at times. A card from someone who I didn't expect it from will overwhelm me and I will cry from the thought they care for me, a verse someone wrote to inspire about Death being a reward will trigger tears cos its to raw to read that right now. I know mum is better of and Death isn't the end but reading it now isn't the right time. A memory of what mum meant to someone is so good to read but also beings back the mum I no longer have. I know I will treasure these card and I do look at them when I am able. Writing a thank you card triggered me yesterday. I know I have to travel this path and I know I am not alone and not the first. How I feel is hard to explain, Its partly between lost and empty and alone. (please I know God is always with me so please don't tell me I am not alone) this is a different feeling its like I have lost part of me and there is an empty hole that I am not sure how to fill or what to do. Sleep is still an issue, I am not getting enough and am so tired which doesn't help. Its now 11 weeks since my health crisis so in all it's been an interesting 2nd half of the year.
Yesterday I bought some gerbers to plant as a memory of mum. We had some in her floral arrangement and they were so lovely and I know mum would love them. 2 are in the garden 3 in pots that are on the porch and I will enjoy on the warmer days out there reading.
I am also going to create a memory book of memories from other people. I have been wanting to do this but will hold off for a little while as memories are so raw right now. I think it will also be cathartic to record the memories others have of mum to keep her memory alive. I am not reading as I would like so am way behind in books and reading less than one a week at present. I miss reading and being to tired to read is a real downer but I know I will get though this. I guess like Psalm 23 says "Yeah though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for Thou art with me," I know I am in that valley right know and I know I will get through it but at the moment it seems like a really long valley.
Ok enough of this post, this lets you know where I am at and what's happening. I really do appreciate the prayers, cards and support from my online friends it has been a real blessing and I have my gerbers thanks to some of my friends.